Characters you'll find in your office
As workers around the country begin another new year back at work, for many of our recent graduates this will be the first time they will have worked in an office on a full time basis.
To help those office rookies quickly find their feet, and give office veterans a refresher, we have developed a comprehensive guide to the different personalities and characters you will find in every office. We've even used our crystal ball to predict what each will bring to your beginning of the year morning tea, and provided a few well-known examples to help you easily identify each in the real world.
The Rookie
Arriving into the office bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, the rookie is full of boundless enthusiasm and is excited to make their mark on their new workplace. Full of ideas and eager to impress, rookies can come in the form of both recent grads and newly hired staff.
Things you'll hear them say: "Have you thought about doing things this way?"
What they bring to morning tea: Something lactose-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, and vegan to cater for everyone.
The Magician
A master of misdirection, disappearance and illusion, the magician uses their finely honed skills to avoid doing any real work. Rarely at their desk, they are skilful at giving the appearance to superiors that they are working hard, but in reality it's all smoke and mirrors.
Things you'll hear them say: ""I'm still waiting to hear back from that person about the thing"
What they bring to morning tea: Nothing, however a brief appearance and strategic smoke-bomb exit leaves everyone none the wiser.
The CEO
The definition of "fake it 'til you make it", the CEO dresses straight out of the David Jones autumn catalogue, and spends at least four hours a day on LinkedIn. Their own biggest fan and never short on buzzwords, the CEO will constantly remind you of their past glories and how amazing their "insert course name here" at "insert prestigious school here" was.
Things you'll hear them say: "It's important to open a dialogue to empower stakeholders regarding synergies to get buy-in to ensure we move the needle on the moving parts regarding our core values to make hay across scalable marketing channels while thinking outside-the-box and ensuring best practice. Business."
What they bring to morning tea: Cookies from Coles cleverly repackaged to appear home-made.
The Worker Bee
The heart and soul of an office, the worker bee is often a veteran of many years in the organisation. Working well beyond normal capacity, they are the real reason the office actually produces any meaningful work, but does so completely unrecognised and without seeking any glory or fanfare for their great job.
Things you'll hear them say: "We can absolutely do that, when would you like it finished?"
What they bring to morning tea: The most delicious home-made brownies you've ever tasted.
The Joker
If something strange or funny happens in the office you can almost guarantee the joker was behind it. Quick to fire back witty responses to group emails, they are also the person who wrapped your desk in newspaper, set your stapler in jelly, and changed your desktop wallpaper when you went to the printer.
Things you'll hear them say: "Me? I would never hide a goat in the stationary cupboard!"
What they bring to morning tea: Fairy bread or well disguised digestive biscuits.
The Know-it-all
With an opinion on absolutely everything, the know-it-all is the self-proclaimed office oracle. Getting most of their news from The Project, they not only throw in their two cents on everything from sport to the complexities of the Middle East, they also spin outlandish tales from their own mediocre lives.
Things you'll hear them say: "I really think the Wallabies will win State of Origin this year"
What they bring to morning tea: A "trendy" dish, most likely macaroons or something with salted caramel.
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Words by Daniel Murphy, image courtesy Mark Sebastian, Flickr. Please note that no characters were modelled on any members of the Alumni Office, we are all perfect.